- 7ft tall, muscular build
- Buzzcut, heavy brows
- Wearing a grey suit
- Carries a heavy iron canister (Canister of Endless Meat Tenderizer), which he uses to beat people to death.
Birch is nigh unkillable, but does have an affinity for cats, and thus can be placated with the dead cat/fishing lure Raymond. Otherwise, never responds directly.
Sank with the Meat Train when it Plane Shifted over the River Oceanus on the first layer of the Beastlands.